yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.