yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.