Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Got him!
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”