Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth