Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.