Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?