Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.