Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

what’s really going on

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.