Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

what

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention