Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.