Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

they see me scrollin

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

aura

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.