you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area


“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”



If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.


Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts


Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.