you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.