@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

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@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@ericsshadow

If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.

@fart

Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts

@buck4itt

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@iGreenMonk

I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.