@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones. Scarlett Johansson: That's very interesting.

@TheSchnizzy: Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@daddydoubts: The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

@Sickayduh: As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@thegreatnanak: She: why are you dressed up as a duck? Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?