you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.