Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Beauty and the Beast

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

Couple goals

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Not all heroes wear capes…

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy