you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
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Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my dad when a sex scene comes on
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk