You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Potatoes were such a good idea
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment