“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.