“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
You Might Also Like
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I wrote a book on penguins.
Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems