“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Breakfast for Stoners: