“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Happens to everyone.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything