you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Dishonest mechanic?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.