you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
lmfao come on
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND