You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
That’s not how days work.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
