Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.