You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Wait a minute…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale