You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.