Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Truly one of the great bangers

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.