Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken