You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Me My dog
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home