You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
They should make a moral fiber supplement
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman