You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?