You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
What a year we’ve had this week.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’