“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
This is my favorite one of these!
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.