Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

ㅤ

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.