Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

dam girl

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats