Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.