Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?