you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Simple
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
🤯🤯🤯
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Limited budget
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
