you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
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our love story in four pictures
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Vodka burrito was a success
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Note to self: I am a note
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.