Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar