Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what