Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”