Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”