“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.