Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.