Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over