Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]