Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean