Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Life hack

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone