Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over