Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

when dads have a rap battle

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.