You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert