You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.


FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.


“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket


I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …


It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.


Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.


Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.


why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”