You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me too, bag. Me too….
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.