You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.