You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting![]()
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Favourite diary entry ever
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
this country is so goddamn polarized
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