You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
rise and shine we got egg
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.