You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell