Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.