You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started