You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing