You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.