You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Skip intro
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
