You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
