Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.