You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
3% human
97% stress
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.