you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus