you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
the greatest twitter interaction
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!