You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
so i’m at the stock market right
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.