You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.