You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
😎 🍻
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger