YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
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I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
mood
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!