Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.