I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Love it! 👍😂
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom